m(e)ss

There is a lot of negativity in my head. My mind is a negative, white on black. There is a lot of negativity surrounding this blog for me.
Don’t like the word “blog.”
Don’t like the dog-piss-stained carpeting in this computer room.
Don’t like the feeling of the edge of this computer desk on my forearms.
Don’t like the rickety metallic spronging sound of the backrest of this ancient junkety office chair.
Don’t like the colors in this computer room, general hardware beige and hysterical mixed woodgrains.
Don’t like being surrounded by the clutter of cds and hardware and pieces of hardware, three partially working computers, two partially working printers, one downright not working computer, one downright busted printer.
Don’t like competing for time online with other people.
Don’t like the need to manufacture HTML links. Goddamnit.
Don’t like the way this Macintosh operates. It’s a hassle using this mouse. Nothing seems easy.
Don’t like the pressure of feeling I need to attribute everything properly.
Don’t like the pressure of feeling I need to spell everything properly.
Don’t like feeling like I’m sponging off other people’s language by quoting.
Don’t like really knowing whether this blog is public or private.
Don’t like not feeling easily conversant in MT, not to mention HTML.
Don’t like comment spam.
Don’t like not feeling easily conversant with the server, file names, locations, and tools to view them on the Macintosh.
Don’t want to learn. Takes up time and doesn’t stick. Lonely.
Don’t like the boring front page of this site. BORING. And ugly.
Don’t like being reminded that my digital camera was stolen.
Don’t like being reminded that I’m low on funds and won’t spend money on a new camera, computer, software, DSL, wireless networking, or any other electronic luxury right now.
Don’t like thinking that there are people who don’t even have enough money to even want a camera, computer, software, DSL or anything else I mentioned.
Don’t like feeling on display, it affects my fluency.
Don’t like feeling trendy.
Don’t like the sensation of competition for readership.
Don’t like being part of something that has a name like the “blogosphere.”
Don’t like resisting belonging to a real sangha of bloggers.
Don’t like this place being so fragmentary and unconstructed all the time.
Don’t like the haphazard nature of posting; prefer every day or nothing.
Don’t like the past.
Don’t like the present.
Don’t like the future.

I want to Make Something, but maybe it’s not this.

***

I’ve been on a book buying spree. Something that happens every so often to me.

I bought two books of poetry today.
Harryette Mullen, “Sleeping with the Dictionary”
Philip Levine, “What Work Is”

They both have shiny seals on the front.
National Book Award Finalist (silver) and
National Book Award Winner (gold).

Tuesday I bought two books for my son to read over summer vacation.
Norman Maclean, “A River Runs Through It”
Ernest Hemingway, “For Whom The Bell Tolls”

AND my favoritest of all purchases, I bought BELLES LETTRES, Manuscripts by the Masters of French Literature, a $60 coffee table book for $5.99 with lovely line art on the cover featuring a self portrait of Jean Cocteau inking out a real frog onto his smudged manuscript page. The cover art also has a small seal in red that stands out amongst the black and white scribbles. It says “Nationale Biblioth” surrounding “MSS” and it reminds me of a Kiss.

Change is in the air. The hot July of devotion. Maybe it’s time to refocus on handwriting. HANDWRITING