living and dying

How do we explain the harm, feeling
We are always the effortless discoverers of our career,
With each day digging the grave of tomorrow and at the same time
Preparing its own redemption, constantly living and dying?

J. A., “Clouds,” p281

Am I in charge of my career?
What is a career?
Barry Stevens wrote that it hasn’t been a career, more like a careen.
I always wanted a careen, but I seemed to effortlessly put forth effort toward a career, whether I wanted one or not.

I know that simultaneous living and dying, the old surrounding me and the new coming my way at once. It’s in the weather. It’s in the cold cup of coffee, sour dank and miserable. The old way is absorbing, fills my mind. I’m barely aware of the seeds of the new. I know the old, what happened, through and through, at least its outline.

I want to give equal time to the new, like the fresh coffee that looks and smells so attractive, before I’ve even tasted it.