There is no exploration—
sad tolerance well sad.
Everything is perfectly orderly
there is no unknown
there is no pressure
there is no relationship
all words for work
all winds blow from there to there
There is no exploration—
sad tolerance well sad.
Everything is perfectly orderly
there is no unknown
there is no pressure
there is no relationship
all words for work
all winds blow from there to there
How are we to have a moment where I contact you? Evening.
I let you alone. Left.
How is this to be done? Radical.
Fingerly grasping.
Fingerly typing.
Finger lily.
I don’t know where I want to go.
She is sad and lonely, after all.
She lives without a purpose, fed on grandiosity; it’s not nutritious.
So behind the scenes.
My boyfriend doesn’t sleep with me.
Turn up the heat on all of your endeavours. Try to rest, relax. Do scar massage. How painful waking up, how painful email. How to do it. Not sure movies or a sleeping mate is something skillful. Sad. There is chocolate and dried fruit. It might be wisest at this point to clean.
the way your clothes
lie neatly along the angles
of your body
I am really struggling with a lot of questions—
Maybe this is the tail end of my tenure working I am certainly chafing under all the structure I felt Linda closing the lid down on my dear chaos Friday and I wanted to cry especially since there was no way to explain EXPLAIN—
pressures pressures decompression after Eli’s birthday party yesterday my eyes my eyes my moon
My mother had very few stories. She repeated some familiar ones often. How great Christmases were. How she broke her leg riding a tricycle. Her problem students when she was a second grade teacher. How she developed a dread of throwing up from an incident in her own second grade classroom. How she ate the same thing every day for years. Now I can’t remember what that was—an egg sandwich? fried egg? maybe it was with tomato and mayonnaise, maybe not. The world of stories was very thin.
I wanted the juicier ones. The ones about menstruation. Her relationship with mother and sisters. Her thoughts about her father. I wanted the whole scoop. I was fed crackers. My next door neighbor said our house smelled like crackers. She found that comforting. Many people found my family comforting.
I am wondering about this work. I was driven to this writing by my absolute incapacity to live comfortably in my home, in my relationship, in my own damaged skin. If I am writing, I am not falling down.
I have nothing else to do but put some effort into this. I am one-handed in the house. I can’t sleep. I have trouble with the network. My mind races regarding home repairs. I start to target my relationship and I want to tear things to pieces.