When something’s not that easy to continue. When I have left the field and gained the hermitage. When lunch is lost and chores still stare you in the face. It’s 2 o’clock and women wearing scarves.
Tag Archives: cleaning
Turn up the heat on all of your endeavours. Try to rest, relax. Do scar massage. How painful waking up, how painful email. How to do it. Not sure movies or a sleeping mate is something skillful. Sad. There is chocolate and dried fruit. It might be wisest at this point to clean.
No I am not under stress, not menopause or lupus, not gall bladder or any other pain—
I am livid with the unsatisfactoriness of it all. I wish
I have desires—well I would like to find out—before I die—
if liberation is really possible and in order to do that it appears that I have no choice except to sit and sit and sit and you see, I really don’t have time to sit especially because I can’t negotiate that with my boyfriend and I find it very embarrassing to be “sitting” in the house when someone wants me and before the house is clean and meals and water and the computer/sewing machines—
but—
why shouldn’t I SIT and
here is the alternative
forget about any liberation
until the next life and
there is no next life
and
I don’t believe in God either so I can’t pray for the resolve to make my “growth” possible.
I really don’t care to know about any purpose or meaning to life I believe in nothing I can point to that is self (right now I sit here writing what is that)
I have a fear of not being able to keep myself clean when I’m old, old and too proud to be seen.
I can’t make tea. Broken wrist, can’t manipulate the tea kettle. No clean saucepan available. I won’t toss out the white gravelly cauliflower soup.
This morning I became aware of the bathroom. It is not that bad. The grout is clean. So is the caulking. I wiped the little table surface recently.