Earnest morning gave a backlash
a background a boatload
of unspoken advice
the “I can help you” and “I know the answer”—
answer answer
Earnest morning gave a backlash
a background a boatload
of unspoken advice
the “I can help you” and “I know the answer”—
answer answer
—okay—relax the mind
these are my instructions to myself
Knit crochet or write
writing forms a lacy shawl
lying on the page
Kore Improvisations
Stanzas in Meditation
Invo Invocations
There is a way to hold
the thought of holding something underwater in the light
the experience of holding onto something
holding head or cup or pen
the holding still
hold horses
hold up hold
house household
hold hard
I won’t allow the conflicts of the day into my prose. All illusion all the time.
It’s unusual to have a mustache.
Override non sequitur.
I’m going home soom. I’m used to haze and clouds, I find them comforting.
Not only do I expect my self to be a self. I expect every human’s self to be a self. Impermanence, anatta, dukkha. How easy to get off track.
The coffee is terrible. Watery for an espresso.
jangling, the music is loud, Tina Turner, Dougie, favorite character, sitting in the corner mumbling, guy with tattoo of an axe on his forearm, sketching, someone like Blair maybe—I get tired. I get tired. Hey g’bye. Dougie says. Leave the poor guy alone. She shoots for Christianity. She is a tiny girl, a tiney angel, with tan skin, dark hair, named Angel. Everyone knows Doug. How’s your bike runnin’, Dougie, good? Here I am with characters. Still Life with Characters. Different bike from the last one he had. Everyone seems friendly. Hesitation. No No No. Dougie, Mario, Jim.
Stopping. moment. moment. moment. need a punctuation mark like “bullet,” period raised, superscript,
who knows there are so many of them
trying to impress a dorky blend
compassion insight and the mere awareness
here it’s murky there is lots of black
occasional pashmina tight shirts walking skirts
and colored personal skin that’s very vague
and expletive with panty lines—sigh—
let’s all uncover it—
that one is pregnant and
two boys go by on roller shoes…
and another difficulty walking pin stripe
squares with red tie classical you should be
retired tired tie and all
your silky light hair disarrayed and
off to work you go with stiffness and concern
Learning to resolve, learning to dissolve, distort, depress, the discouragement of your name, learning about tanned skin, catalogs, and scans. How the coffee machine works, where you stand up where you stall where to stand up where to stall, how far to go, considering you are a hairy white man chubby belly straining plaid with ear phones and bewildered eyes—
My language is restrained, restricted, business-like, falling back on some discovery rhythm only there the emptiness of sea.
Moment in a corner—NYC 3rd Ave 48th & 49th or is it 47th & 48th? So much music, so much silence on the streets. So many walking, so much purpose.
Pace accelerated or slowed down, watching mind, allow for the irrational, allow for traveling socks, allow for hairdos, allow for walkie-talkies, long bones, commutes, the military. Allow for focus allow for data entry. Allow for exercise, clichés, and chatter of all kinds.
It’s no good being critical of the animals. It’s no good estimating what is blogworthy. It’s no good trying to find the time. My norms are different.
This is a house of wax.
Policeman handing him a napkin. Her tone of confidential awfulness.
Tight, struggle arms, aches slight in shoulders, upper arms and jaw.
This is a fashion statement.
Wandering. Needing an infusion. Noting—or—composing. Note-compose, note and compose.
Express, maybe anorexia is more interesting. More interesting than hair styles.
Jim. Sam. Bob. Bill. What will they do?
Here I am watchless ringless braless. Not exciting and no crocheted vest. Divestiture.
Apple powered and a candlelight. Photos in the Times.
My teeth will talk to me. Audaliciously.
Hair with comb marks, teeth with toe marks, toes with teeth marks, polished toes.
Worried look. Eyes echoing her beads, shiny, pink.
It seems like a recurrent theme.
It themes like a recurrent seem.
It dreams like a recurrent cream.
It memes like a recurrent fream. I mean team.
The team is a recurrent dream I mean.
Computer science, computer necromancy, data alchemy, a shifting science, a business logic, a failure.
It was after her remarks.
It was on account of his smirking.
It was on account of being steady state.
I make afternoons. It was way past afternoon.
I make logic. I make alphalogic, betalogic, gammalogic, deltalogic.
Cheeping and garbage, puddles in asphalt. I sip asphalt from the puddles.
There is a row of pines. There are balls of flowers hanging in the air, purple petunias, yellow, gold and red.
Crow eating garbage next store to next door to my parking spot. Next door.
Feel the sketching in my chest. I am bettled. Belted in.
I am off tomorrow at 5. I am a.m. I am p.m. I have to leave at 5 p.m.
I would like to. I would not like to.
Honor roll. Honor system. Honor Lane. Honor TailGate.
Jangling, fried and frazzled dura. Belted in. Car speak.
Guess what? Guesses, guests, ghosts. Gosh, sits down. Gosh, go home. Gosh, stopping on the way home. Gosh prepares. Something on the critical path. Or Dinner. Or for an operation.
swimming about without a project
there is nothing I can do
no means no ends no optimistic no despair
and here a series of no’s
that anyone would call bad poetry
and in my hand, the summa critical
of everyone who thinks
or writes or speaks
just wanting nurture
happiness
failure to sprout and
fail to thrive the spinach seeds
but beets and carrots are up in their rows
and
Max the black cat wanders in the yard
a wander purposeful
a wander graceful
and impressive
Averse to morning happenings and hoverings
I have a hard time
it’s a means of self expression
after all there is no work
or is there only work
I don’t know my bowels need moving
I am obscured by my files
the most salient invisible
I will let you know my niche and you will visit
impressed by all my lone wolf contemplation
what of it
this is after all
this is whatsoever
this is misbegotten
not story story story story
what about the world
this planet doesn’t want us after all
belly full of oatmeal blueberries
and sunflower seeds sprinkling of
flax meal and a splash of soy
Easily impressed by nothing
this is not much of a morning
broken morning by a change in plans
change in routine
I am seeking if there is seeking
I am watching if there is watching
oh am I still and forever hunting there is no whatsoever
There is a subtlety in all this writing, subtle refusal to let go. Subtle refusal of the whimsical the circumspect the lack the luck. Subtle refusal to charge off in all directions. Subtle refusal to mentor the young self into immersion. Subtle refusal to merge with the white whale
Resting consciousness and sparrow comes to visit. Sparrows are efficient. No timetables, no project plans.
Not concerned with what I used to be concerned with.
Speech is ill-considered and dangerous.
Soil resting in the sun, plants are busy. Plants don’t need a path and nor do animals.
There is a picnic table, it is wood, and an umbrella. It goes through a hole. And it is hot, organic, and resting in the sun.
Abridged luxury. And I am NOT online.
Let me ask – how much do you know, is there compassion? What is knowledge-based compassion? What is argumentation? What is keeping quiet? To never lead you to believe that there was too much talking.
Flying into the air. Nothing here but words. Oh my ice tea, avocado sandwich, chocolate bar. 70%. Dietary happiness.
I am mad at them.
Stone blue eyes, steel and Georgian silver. All is gorgeous.
Her friend Rafael. I don’t have a dog, there are no stories of him anymore.
Attention. Quality of attention. Lies to recreate to reinforce the hard rind around myself.
Barbecue all day Saturday we will be mowing the lawn.
I am sad. Little girl with pastry, mother talking on the cellphone. Unsweetened. Men doing crosswords with raised eyebrows.
The book I haven’t read yet, haven’t even started it.
Markers. Stream of bubbles where it all went down.
I write to dissolve, to learn how to dissolve.
An effort of mindfulness. Velleity. Volition. The will, the right intention. Touching on these things, my bird claws grasping round the twig. The whole tree shakes. Or is this a story?
Unwieldy Characters. Awesome characters that I will try to separate. An effort.
Dreams of misbehavior in the presentation. Dreams of sexual arousal. Dreams of dreams. Dreams of washing, dishwashing a large green rubbery container, unwieldy in the soapsuds.
Timesheet. Front Porch. Armchair evaluation. Interim Patience.
It is nice to jettison almost all these things. Full garbage cans and full recycling. Being present, remembering myself and my stomach full of gel and wanting to be somewhere else not here not in the parking lot.
What about a CSP reunion? I am undecided, in a murky turmoil.
Shock of Ron Ferguson’s reference to Gail Godwin’s novel what it was. About coalescing, coming together and apart, Monrad and Rob in trouble, what about Joe, what about Warren?
Feeling oversized, overwrought, overcome. Feeling feet in shoes. Feeling a non-yogic sluggishness, untoned qualities creeping in and the mind is coalescing.
Feeling mountain in my legs, train in my direction, gladness in my pelvis.
I want the jewels. The fiery heart of jewels. Topaz, citrine, aquamarine. I want to investigate the heart of the ruby emerald sapphire. Wisdom, compassion, purity. Okay. Something higher than a mountain.
I’m not sure what time it is. The anxiety of the future has me in its grip.
Covered with azalea, peach, yellow, orange. And pink, red, purple. It is the time of year.
What else would one do, where else would one go? I am dismayed.
Well, this is a form of discovery. A forum. A process. Why do I make comparisons. She is struggling. She is struggling with the form. It is daunting. But what else is there?
Tuning up, a discovery, a path of order. Birdsong, cars starting to move. Exercises. I am in. I am out. No I.
Flashback to Nantucket and The Bean and
the anxiety of my last day there and not so long ago.
Rhyme Rhyme Rhyme rhyming one-stroke here we go.
The Efficiency. The Effectiveness. Your review and my review of your review and my interim of your interim and intermediate does not mean interim and I would never not step forward to clear up that mistake.
Where are we going with it, what is the next step? The next next next step. The first step already taken. Words left out.
Evoke, evoke, evoke, the egg.
Hot page cool breeze. Birds and juice. Death in the air, creeping. Suicidal Ideation. Nothing but pleasantries, a need to scan the lines. Rustle woods, the deer step, squirrel shuffle. Peculiar disconnectedness of individuals, editors, the edited smile, the censored speech. Pileup of phrases. The litter of prepositions, the punctuation of punctuation. Texture of voices and air conditioning noises. The bands and patterns of tension. Often I ask: what are you talking about? What does it mean, the transfer function?
How far how far loosening pressed into discovery
the enso pressed into making something whole
and something closed
turning C to O and that is CO
not OC except it starts here
I at the bottom oops and that was I
black flies in the golding light
the piercing chirp the here-I-am of jays
the coo-coo mourning the obstreperous chirp of sparrow
and no crow no crow not now and
with the comprehensive smell of garbage early train
this is an approach
app roach
a pproach
Sore throat and now nowhere to go with it
no where now here nowhere
now here no where now here
no where now here
okay okay this is a trick of time
I am sleepy I am escapade I am trying and I am embroiled enmeshed in software wanting hard to order paper dreaming of a touch of handmade paper khadi paper and a morning watercolor made in the land of garbage and the land of smells.
This is my life what has it come to what I am learning is something different I must say it is draining it is lanced I am lanced and oozing after Canyonlands and Arches Park. I am teetering on the edge and struggle to make something when there’s the skyline halfway clothed with leaves and a suburban brightness in the air with sounds of water gurgling and a morning goldness in the air and a suburban cheeping with a hum of traffic while the dog rests and the flying bee whirrs by.
The smell of garbage mixes with a hint of lilac this is it I will not write